Less than seven months. That’s the time I’ve got. It’s the time I have to figure out how to pack away our lives into the space of one bedroom (and a very small one at that) and the basement. That’s the easy part. It’s the mix of emotions that I’m not sure how to sort.
The first thing I did towards going to Thailand was sell my cow. The process was a bit complicated as we moved her over state lines and the legalities proved a bit more complex than I was anticipating. But for a good family it was worth it to me and in the end the whole saga became a series of one answered prayer after another. I landed on a profound sense of peace and confidence about our movement towards Thailand. Then the goats sold fast and the 3 kittens found a home as well. Goats don’t generally move that fast this time of year and again it feels like God is making a way.
This empty barn still hits hard. I miss my cow a lot. I wonder who I am now and what was that for? I feel a little lost. Being a dairy woman is now part of my identity–complete with all the opinions and knowledge that comes with that. Surely I didn’t learn all I did with Freyja for nothing? But also, even if that was it, it was beautiful and God was so good to give it to me. But the grief of letting go has been harder than I anticipated.
The next hurdle is finding the dogs a new home. I wish there was a way to put these two into a home where I could have them back if we don’t end up in Thailand long term-as right now it’s only one year commitment. That doesn’t mean we are returning only one year. It just means we need to take care of our kids and be open to returning if that needs to happen. I’d love to have my dog back if we found ourselves stateside again. She’s a doofy rolly-polly puggle, but she’s mine. I think both Jube and I both feel the same way about Mercury.
So yeah, emptying the barnyard is hard on my heart and I feel like my identity is shaken and I feel a bit lost.
Having to dig into my primary identity as a child of God and that being enough–I think that’s part of what I’m supposed to be learning right now. That, and being Mom to these kids. I keep remembering what Wendy told Dru and I a few years ago when life was rocky. Get small with God, she said.
It’s happening right now for us this year. Feels a little lonely sometimes but I think something good is happening. We’re doing a lot of talking as a family about our identity as Christians . It’s so amazing to see the kids want to follow Jesus and hear them wrestle with and develop their own beliefs–and discover that they’re picking up what we’ve been putting down.
Really, this Thailand adventure is making me pick up an identity I was not sure I ever wanted to have again. I’m almost twenty years older than the naive newly wed I was when we first went. I’m more comfortable in my own skin and walking back into that particular culture as a forty year old will be a different ball of wax. I’m curious how it will feel. I came home burned out and exhausted. It’s taken ten years but I’m finally excited about going back.
The emotions are hard work, but maybe being this age with kids the age of mine, it’s transition for anyone. We’re probably all grieving the end of a chapter while we pick up a new one. For me it means hanging on to security in my primary identity in Christ and figuring out how it goes from there. Change unsettles me. But it’s coming one way or the other and the least I can do is be settled in my soul.
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